I’ve already missed a meeting. Today was my first day back at school after summer vacation, and I showed up late at the wrong place. No one was surprised.
Honestly, I don’t really know how I missed it; I checked my e-mails, I entered everything on my calendar. Somehow, though, I didn’t notice it. Maybe I had a good reason, maybe not, but when you've missed as many meetings and forgotten as many deadlines as I have, no one really accepts your excuses.
It’s par for the course when you have ADHD, though, and I have had it all my life. It’s still going to be a good year, even with that little set-back. I have a classroom full of computers, permission to put my plans into action, and everyone seems to be on board. ADHD may cause me to do some pretty dumb things, but the truly important things always get done and it doesn’t stop me from being a good teacher.
The thing is, I know what kids with ADHD go through, especially when they enter middle school. It's not easy.
It's also not an excuse. I've had to find a way to get by despite the problems caused by my goofy brain. Most of the time, I manage. I have to work hard to avoid mistakes, and when I make one I do my best to fix the damage. I apologize a lot.
Still, I know it's tough to deal with, and I understand the frustration and depression that can go along with ADHD. It’s hard to keep up with what’s going on when there are a million things running through your mind at once.
“Okay, so there are three branches of government: the legislative, the executive, and the judicial. Congress is part of the legislative branch. Got it. I should write that down…wait, this is my math notebook. Did I grab the wrong notebook? Oh, man, do I have homework in math? There was a worksheet. What did I do with that? I should check my homework folder and make sure it’s there…except that I don’t have my homework folder. Did I leave it in math? Wait…what did I just miss? What’s the executive branch again? I missed all of that. Good, Lord, Mr. Smith, please don’t call on me.”
It's never easy. Your mind drifts of, and then it's gone, and by the time you realize you've drifted it's too late.
And there are so many things that can get in the way of learning. I can remember the feeling of sitting in math class, trying to understand some new concept. Struggling and working on it, trying to solve the problem, finally feeling like I was beginning to get a handle on it, and suddenly a bell would ring, and I had to go conjugate Spanish verbs or set up a lab experiment. By the time I got back to what I was doing in math, I would be back at square one, and usually I would have no one there to help me. Maybe I would figure it out, maybe not. Sometimes it was easier to give up. Sometimes I didn’t even realize I’d missed something important until someone put a test in front of me, at which point I’d have that familiar sinking feeling and brace myself for another failing grade.
And then I’d hear it. “What did you expect. You daydream in class and you don’t do your homework. If you get yourself organized and try harder, you’ll do fine.”
Whatever. It’s incredibly frustrating, and even in adulthood it hasn’t really eased up much, which is what led me to write the journal entry below, an attempt to capture the way my mind works. I emailed it to a few friends, thinking they would understand. None of them could relate.
Which was when I realized how much different the brain of someone with ADHD really is.
December 2, 2011
Today started out just fine. I felt good, confident. Except that I slept through my alarm this morning, had to rush to get ready, called on the way to work to say I was running a few minutes late. Got to school only a few minutes late, homeroom went fine. There were no morning student crises, and I remembered to sign in and take attendance. .
I need to use my planning period to try to grade papers…no, wait, I’m supposed to meet with another teacher about the SCOPE class…oh, and I don’t have a plan for CORE today…Okay, these papers on my desk have to get graded…I have everything I need for class, right?...I’d better get some kind of warm-up ready before class starts so the kids have something to do when they come in…I have to get this stack of papers out of the way, have to get them graded, and I have this other pile to be sorted and returned…I can’t do anything with all of this paper on my desk. Wait, only15 minutes until class starts? I forgot about my meeting. Ugh. Still no plan for CORE and no warm-up prepared. I’ll grade a couple of more papers, and then I’ll find something for the beginning of class…
I need to use my planning period to try to grade papers…no, wait, I’m supposed to meet with another teacher about the SCOPE class…oh, and I don’t have a plan for CORE today…Okay, these papers on my desk have to get graded…I have everything I need for class, right?...I’d better get some kind of warm-up ready before class starts so the kids have something to do when they come in…I have to get this stack of papers out of the way, have to get them graded, and I have this other pile to be sorted and returned…I can’t do anything with all of this paper on my desk. Wait, only15 minutes until class starts? I forgot about my meeting. Ugh. Still no plan for CORE and no warm-up prepared. I’ll grade a couple of more papers, and then I’ll find something for the beginning of class…
…And here come the kids. What…? An hour and 20 minutes, gone? I can make up a journal entry real quick as a warm-up. I’ll print them on my classroom printer.
“Hi, Mr. Conway.”
“What are we doing today?”
“I need a pencil.”
Here we go…
The first class went well. Solid plan. They did the journal entry and shared, we had a quick review followed by a quiz, then took notes on newspaper writing and the 5W’s, with a brief assignment tied in to summarizing the books they’re reading at home. Boo-Yah!! I’m rollin’.
Then came my Directed Study class. Great. I forgot to think about that. I pulled up a poetry exercise on my computer as the kids filed in. For that class, at least, I have everything I need.
One more class, and I’m through with the school day.
Basic survival.
After school I need to check my plans and pull stuff together for tomorrow. First, though, I have to e-mail parents. Jadon and Jacob, I suspect, cheated on the test. I also need to also respond to Joe’s mom, who wants to know why he is failing to do his work. (Good question.), and Drew’s mom, who is concerned that Drew is having trouble with organization and doesn’t seem motivated to do his work. (7th Grade Syndrome, I call it, though some of us never seem to get past it.)
Basic survival.
After school I need to check my plans and pull stuff together for tomorrow. First, though, I have to e-mail parents. Jadon and Jacob, I suspect, cheated on the test. I also need to also respond to Joe’s mom, who wants to know why he is failing to do his work. (Good question.), and Drew’s mom, who is concerned that Drew is having trouble with organization and doesn’t seem motivated to do his work. (7th Grade Syndrome, I call it, though some of us never seem to get past it.)
I still have all of those papers to grade, but I can do that during planning tomorrow. (Which is exactly what I said yesterday.) I need to get my plan set up for tomorrow and get plans turned in for next week. What do we need to do next week? Maybe a news article/feature article thing? I could have them write a ghost story! Two assignments in one! Okay, I’ll have to do some new worksheets for that, make some cool materials. Also, I need to send an e-mail to all of my parents about the changes in schedule and post my worksheets and materials on-line.
I got a few e-mails sent, but I need to send more. I still haven’t contacted the parents I need to contact about remediation. Destiny’s mom doesn’t even have e-mail. Jose was a lunatic in class today, and he needs to stay after with me on Wednesday. Jadon, Marcus, Wayne, Alexis. What day can Drew Stay? Will? As soon as I’m done with these lesson plans for next week, I’ll start e-mailing all of them.
Four-thirty. Really? I have to go. I can grade the rest of these papers at home, send my e-mails, and post the stuff I need to post. It will all get done.
Of course, I’ve got the boys tonight. My ex-wife has a thing, so I’ll have the kids until 8 p.m. I need to get the kids, get home to the dog…that’s step one. Home I go. Gotta get the house cleaned up, too. Company coming this weekend. First pick up the boys…
“Hey, Dad, my birthday’s Sunday!”
It is? Holy crap. “Yeah, I know. What do you want?”
Toilets, counters, dusting, floors. The house is a bit of a mess. Lots of dust on the baseboards, dog hair on the rug…and I forgot about the clothes in the washer from last night. Gross. I’ll need to wash them again. Gotta take the dog out first, and check Dylan’s wish list on Amazon. I have to remember to order something for his birthday.
I cleaned the house. That took maybe 45 minutes. I didn’t watch TV, barely picked up the guitar, didn’t really play much on the phone or the computer. Dipped into a lot of things, never seemed to land on any of them. I got several texts from a friend, but didn’t text back very quickly, to the point where he double texted once for a response to a question. I spent a few minutes with Alex asking about what Dylan wanted for his birthday, and remembered to restart the laundry.
”Mom’s here.”
Where did three hours just go? Good lord, we never had dinner.
“Seriously? You didn’t feed them? Why do I ask you to watch them?”
What happened to my night? Three hours gone? I should have walked the dog, then headed out for groceries and dinner with the boys. Now their mom is here and the boys haven’t eaten, I’ve got no food in the house, no lunch for tomorrow. I’m feeling stupid, in a fog, lost, too much swirling in my brain. It’s quiet in here, dead quiet, but my head is a cacophony of noise. Noise. Noise. Noise.
Quick shower, and what then? Do I have time to go out for groceries? I still need to send those school e-mails and post stuff on the web site. I have to order a gift for Dylan, and only 23 days until Christmas! I need gifts for everyone. I should order that book I want to get my mom, and figure out what to get the boys – a Kindle for Dylan? Hockey tickets? A bike for Alex?
Want to get things done.
Think.
Think.
Think fast. School stuff? Not now.
Presents?
Wait, it’s the beginning of the month. Rent’s due! I need to write a check and drop it off. I need a check for the dog walker, too.
And speaking of dog walkers, I have to take the dog out. It’s getting late. School. Students and parents. Did I e-mail Joe’s mom back?
Get on Amazon and shop for Christmas? Need to chill, play some guitar. I should really play some guitar. Rolling Stone, sitting on the counter. That’s something else I did while the kids were here, standing there by the counter, reading the list of the 100 Greatest Guitarists. How long did I spend doing that? Eddie Van Halen was number 8. Those posters I bought for the boys’ room are there, too. They need to be hung. That will only take a second. I should just take care of that now.
Money. Rent. I need more stuff to decorate the house. Frames. Frames for pictures of me and the boys. I can get frames for Grandma and Grandpa for Christmas gift too! Give them pictures of me and the boys. I need to get some prints made.
And the cabinet above the sink won’t stay closed. I need a latch for that thing. I need to go to the store for that and a few other things.
What else? Frames. There’s more. Stuff for the house. Curtains. I have new curtains, but I’m not sure I like them. I have stuff to return to Target, too. And I can go to GameStop, get some games for Dylan. Dylan’s birthday is in two days. I can get him games, or I’ll go by Jabberwocky tomorrow, get some books. What else? School e-mails. Papers to grade. What am I doing in class tomorrow? The boys. Soccer practice after school tomorrow. School. School. School.
Think.
Think.
This is why I write. This is why I read. It’s time to go to bed, open a book. Once my brain is focused on that, the noise will quiet. All of it can wait until tomorrow. It’s late. It won’t get done tonight anyway.
Noise. Commotion. Requests and demands. Schedules. Routines. The dog still needs to go out, and I never sent those e-mails. I need time to think. I need time to stop thinking. I need time. Please, God, just give me more time…
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